This Year Marks A Decade Of My Life, I Will Never Forget. Chapter Five

My Husband and I were married July 2, 2011. We conceived a baby on our Honeymoon. That was our plan. At that time, we thought our plans would go exactly as we had laid them out. What we didn’t know, was that we were about to learn, that life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to. And plans sometimes go in the shitter (metaphorically speaking)

When we found out that we were pregnant, we were excited. That is until Two weeks later we had a threatened miscarriage. The Doctor in the Hospitals Emergency, told me to take it easy for the next 24 hours. So, we went home, and I did nothing for 24 hours. I was scared.

24 hours has pasted and, baby was fine. I was able to continue with regular activity.

The pregnancy continued, and it seemed I had problem after problem. I had Gestational Diabetes, and had to inject myself with insulin. I had Gestational Hypertension (very high blood pressure) and pre-eclampsia (which I didn’t even know I had, until after the pregnancy) I also developed hot itchy feet. The itch got so bad, that I developed blisters, and had to sleep with a bucket of cold water beside the couch every night. Yep, I had to sleep on the couch, because I found our bedroom to humid, which would make my feet act up. I was starting to feel down. I didn’t know if I could make it through the pregnancy.

Because my first pregnancy and delivery went perfectly, my doctor was planning on a natural birth for this baby. I was uneasy about that, but I kept my mouth shut.

The blister on my feet got so bad, that I decided to get the doctors to look at it. During my non-stress test, I showed the nurse my feet. The look on her face made me embarrassed. She put gloves on, and was afraid to touch my feet. To give you a mental visual….. my feet were very swollen,as I was about 35 weeks pregnant. They were red from scratching, and had blisters all over them.

No one was able to figure out what was going on.

At 36 weeks, everything got so bad, that my Husband took me to emergency. The doctor who was on-call, brushed off my problems, and told me to take Benadryl. At the time I didn’t know that Benadryl can increase your blood pressure. I probably shouldn’t have been taking that.

A few days later, my doctor would tell me that at 37 weeks I would be induced. The baby was to big for me to go to 40 weeks, and with all my problems, it would be safer to induce early.

Induction day arrived, and my Husband and I went to the hospital to have our baby.

Around 9am, my doctor came in, and put a strip on my cervix that was supposed to get labor started. A few hours in, and the pain was unbearable. Now, I should tell you, that I have a high pain tolerance. So the fact that I was in tears, and couldn’t sit or stand because of the pain, my Husband and myself knew there was something wrong. Of coarse the nurse brushed it off, and told me “Induced labor is more painful than natural labor”. I knew something was wrong. They decided to get me an epidural. It did nothing. I could still feel so much pain on my right side. The doctor, nurses and the anesthesiologist were perplexed. The anesthesiologist said I shouldn’t be feeling anything. That’s when my doctor noticed blood between my legs.

 

Something like 7 1/2 hours after induction, I was being wheeled down the hall, on my way to have an emergency c-section.  During the c-section, they made my Husband leave my side, and wait in the hall. He knew then that something was seriously wrong. He was terrified for me and the baby. I was so doped up that I could feel anxious or scared. I remember asking if my Husband was okay.

The doctor took the baby out. There was no crying. I remember seeing a group of people gathered around her. I couldn’t see her. They stitched me up, and sent me to recovery.

We were told that the doctor was on the phone with Sick Kids Hospital. I remember I looked at my Husband and said, “If there is something wrong with her, that is were she should be”.

A short time later, the Pediatrician came into the recovery room, and told us that our baby passed away. I was so dehydrated, that I couldn’t cry.

The hardest thing my Husband and I have ever had to do together, is leave that hospital without a baby. I remember my Husband wheeled me to the main lobby of the hospital, so he could pull the car around. As he was walking out the hospital door, a man carrying a car seat, and a big smile on his face, came walking in. In that moment I felt so incredibly sad for my Husband. Seeing that man must have been a kick in the fave.

My Husband, our Daughter (who was 6 years-old at the time), and myself, spent the first week after our baby’s death, laying around the house. We didn’t watch TV or anything. We just sat, and stared.

Than we had to plan a funeral for our little Girl……….

You know you have a baby in the house when……

You know you have a baby in the house when……..

You forget everything.

Dishes pile on the counter.

You don’t remember the last time you cleaned your floors.

You don’t remember the last time you slept in.

You don’t remember the last time you had your hair done.

Your garbage can always smells like wet diapers.

You and you Husband desperately want time alone together, but by the time baby is in bed, you’re both exhausted.

You have spit up, puke and baby food on your clothes.

You wash at least 4 loads of laundry a week.

All your money goes to diapers, formula, baby food, baby clothes etc…..

You spend most of your days in track pants and a t-shirt and going to the grocery store is a big outing for you, so you need to put on make up and your “nice” clothes. And by “nice” clothes I mean dressy sweat pants and a sweatshirt.

If you have another child in the house as well, you don’t remember the last time you had time to yourself or could hear your own thoughts.

As soon as you put the baby down for the night, you have to carry around  baby monitor. So, you never get a break. Not even when they are sleeping through the night.

When you and your Husband want “sexy time” together, you turn down the volume on the baby monitor, because one time you didn’t……and well, the sound of your baby’s noises kind of ruins the mood.

You have turned into the worlds biggest dork. With all of the baby talk, silly faces and noises. And you don’t care where you do all that stuff, cause it makes your baby happy.

Losing just one pound of your baby weight at a time is a reason to celebrate.

When you first bring you baby home, you have relatives who you never talk to all of a sudden want to be center of your baby’s life. Then your baby turns one months and people start to slowly go back to how things were before the baby.

The biggest and happiest moment of your day is when you can get your baby to nap. Yep, that’s what I call success!

When it is your first baby, everything is dangerous to your baby. You may even go a little over board at times. Personally those toilet safety things…I hate them. When you gotta go, you gotta go, and I have trouble working them. So I say who needs them. Only unsupervised children drown in the toilet. So watch your kids.

You realize just how different you and you Mother-in-law can be. Your way of doing things can be completely different from how she does things.

You have probably at some point walked around with either poop, puke, spit-up or a mystery substance on you at least once.

There are probably more things I could put on this list, but I can’t think of any more as I have baby brain.

Rude roommates and adorable baby!

This past 4 weeks has been a little adventure and it all started the morning of Aug 1 2013.

We arrived at the hospital for 6 am.  Zoey was born at 8:40 am. I was in the hospital for about 3 1/2 days, and I was sooo happy to go home. For about 24 hours I shared a room with a couple who were very loud and rude.  They arrived in the room at 5 am and woke me up. I got to hear all of the details regarding her vaginal birth and  her breastfeeding. They were first time parents, but they had absolutely no common sense. Their baby would cry and they would leave her in the bassinet and ask each other repeatedly “what’s wrong with her? What does she want?’ Meanwhile the poor baby would be screaming.  My guess, since she just woke up….maybe she’s hungry. Other times, when the baby would cry the Father would take the baby and the baby would be screaming and I would hear the Mother ask for her baby. The Father would not hand over the baby. So, I had to listen to her repeatedly ask for her baby while it was screaming. In the middle of the night me and Zoey would be fast asleep and when she had to feed her baby she would turn on the brightest light and say the name of her Husband over and over again, until he woke up. She was breastfeeding, why did she have to wake him up to feed the baby? Speaking of her breastfeeding….she said that word a lot! “I just breastfed the baby” “Do you think I should breastfeed her?” “It’s time to breasfeed”….We get it, your breastfeeding.  My Husband and I also heard the Father of that baby asking several times about how to hold a baby….ummmm your Wife just gave birth and you can’t figure out how to hold a baby… your fucked! So, I was over the moon when they went home, I finally had quiet.

Zoey slept the majority of the time in the hospital. When we got home though, she was starting to eat more. Now 4 weeks later she is growing fast, is more alert and I love spending time with her. We are finally adjusted to life with a baby in the house.

As for me. I am very impressed with how fast I am healing. I had a very good Doctor, the c-section went amazingly well. I have been walking just about everyday and I am looking forward to when I will be healed enough to start using my home gym.

My Mom has come a few time to visit. Things there are looking up. Right now life is good and I hope it stays that way for a very, very long time!

 

37 Weeks in 2 days and Baby in 4 days!

I feel like I have been on a journey. A life altering journey. It has been 16 Months since we lost our sweet baby Girl Paige (I was 38 weeks along) and in 4 days we will be making another trip to have another baby. Deep inside I know things will be different, better. Still……..all these different emotions are running through me. I have never felt so anxious, nervous or scared to have a baby than I do right now.

As you go through life and life events happen, you always know that something could go wrong, but usually you push that thought deep down and things work out good. Maybe not as planned, but good. Then there are those times that something does go wrong. From that moment on you are more aware than ever, that bad things do happen, and no matter how positive you try to be the memories of the bad times stick in your memories.

For the past two weeks I have been tired and not wanting to do anything. I have also noticed that I get more emotional as delivery day gets closer. Today I feel restless and anxious. I need Thursday to come, let’s have this baby! I need the happy moments that come with a new-born baby. I wonder if I will feel like this for the next four days or if everyday will bring a new emotion, feeling.

I have met with the surgeon who will be doing the c-section, and I like him. That makes me feel better.

My blood pressure has been good. It has been up and down, but no meds needed with this pregnancy. That makes me feel better.

All ultrasounds have been good. Baby Girl is healthy. Slightly bigger than what is considered “normal” at this point in gestation, but healthy. That makes me feel better.

No signs of pre-eclampsia this time. That makes me feel awesome.

Nursery is all ready to go, hospital bags are packed, we have some bottles boiled and ready to use, everything is ready for her to come home. That makes me feel……….more excited.

I am truly thankful for the support from my Mom and Dad in-law. They are great. That makes me feel supported and happy.

I am saddened by the no support or care from my own Mom.  From loosing a baby to having another one, one would think that your parents would be there to support you along the way. Well, not mine. And I guess I shouldn’t be very surprised as they have always been to involved with their own little world to be support in mine. I try not to think too much about my Mom as it just adds to the stress and anxiety. I just do not understand, how she claims to want a relationship with me and my 7 year-old Daughter, but she shows no concern or support to us during this time and previous events. I have been back and forth on telling her when the baby is born. Part of me thinks well, I will tell her and then she what she does, give her a chance. The other part of me thinks, why bother? If she cared we would have heard from her.

My mind is a mess with thoughts and emotions. I just want to bring our baby Zoey home.

36 Weeks!

10 Days to go!

Let me just say how happy I am that I don’t have to go the full 40 weeks!

I am still swollen, from head to toe.

I’m tired all of the time. I could sleep for the next 10 days.

I have to sit and take a break when washing dishes, because my back hurts too much.

Baby girl is moving around lots. All ultrasounds show that she is a big girl, but healthy 🙂

I feel like I am in my own little bubble lately. I want to go nowhere. I just want to be a hermit. It feels weird, because that is so not how I am normally. Nesting mode is in full swing now.

My blood sugars have been good. I am happy to be done with the blood checking and the insulin. I told my husband that I want pancakes for breakfast when I get home from the hospital. See, I can not eat pancakes right now, because they get my sugar levels really high and they stay that way for the whole day.

At my last doctors appointment I got a print out, to prepare me for my c-section. It has all the info I need, so I know what to expect that morning. Hubby and I have to be at the hospital at 6am on delivery day. It is going to be an early start and a very long and emotional day for us. I already get a little emotional now just thinking about that day.

Not much else to write……..

 

Children left in cars is neglect and murder, no matter how you look at it

Summer has just begun and Canada has had two children die from being left in a car for an extended period of time. The first one was a two year-old boy, who was under his Grandmothers supervision. The Grandmother left him in the car and went into the house. The second was a 3 year-old who was coming back from a play date (or something like that) and found her way into her Mother’s unlocked vehicle. The grandmother of the two year-old is being charged, but what about the parents of the three year-old??

I am a Mom and I have never forgotten about my Daughter. From the day I brought her home from the hospital, if I went shopping or out for another errand and had things to bring into the house, I always took my Daughter out first and the items purchased came second. Anyone who knows a toddler or lives with one, knows that it is extremely hard to forget that they are there. 5 minutes does not go by and you are having to tell them no, or hear them running around, talking, and when there is silence you know they are up to no good.

I read a comment someone had asked about the Grandmother in the first story. They were wondering if the Grandmother had a mental illness which would cause her to forget the child. My opinion…. if the Grandmother had a mental illness that made her incapable of taking care of a child properly, than the child should not have been left in her care. She should be charged, she murdered her Grandchild.  I would like to ask this women, how did so much time pass and she never noticed that there was no two year-old running around the house??

As for the case of the three year-old “finding” her way into an unlocked car. I ask her parents, what the hell was your three year-old doing outside unattended?? I do think that the parents should be charged, for neglect and murder.

For those of you who may think that I am being unfair in my opinion, I would like you to thing about this. Two children are dead, they will never grow up, because the people who were left in charge of them had no mind to pay proper attention the these children.  These children were robbed of their lives…. justice needs to be served for these children.

A child should never be left in a vehicle unattended, period. Especially when it is hot and humid. When you have a child or are taking care of someone elses child you are responsible for their well-being. Their life is in your hands. A child does not know the difference between what is dangerous and what is not. It is your job to look out for them and teach them. Has society become so self-involved that we are now forgetting to take proper care of our children? Is whatever else we have going on so much more important?

 

 

Hope, Optimisim and a Litttle Faith

I have had time to digest the news, about the possibility of baby coming early. I feel her moving every day and I just can’t help but feel excitement about her arrival. There is a big part of me that is scared and afraid that we will be let down again, but I need to be happy. I need to stay positive. Every week that she stays inside me the better for her. I pray that we do make it to Aug 6, but what will happen will happen. It will work out the way it is supposed to work out. I did have a really good cry when I found out about a possibility of her being a preemie, but for now I have found peace. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I promised myself that I would take it day by day. I plan on doing that. I cannot go the next however many weeks we have left of this pregnancy letting my fear take over. I need to stay positive.

No matter how many times I have questioned god or whatever higher power may be out there, I always have this internal feeling of hope, that always comes through. Maybe that is just me being naturally optimistic or maybe there is a god or higher power. Whatever it is, I am glad to have it. I do believe in Guardian Angels, so maybe I have one looking out for me. I love Zoey so much already and I cannot wait to bring her home and have her be a huge part of our little family.