Life as an Only Child

I have always been fascinated with the relationship between siblings. I have always been interested in what it must be like to share the same parents with another person.

As a child I never wanted a Brother or Sister. I had Cousins that were all around my age, and that was enough for me. After all, I had my parents all to myself. I got all of their attention, and at Christmas they only had one child to buy for. That was one time of the year I did get a little spoiled.

I remember going over to one of my Cousins house all the time. We were close, to this day we say we are like Sisters. She has an older Sister who is 7 years older than her, and 6 years older than me. And man, would we bug the crap out of her. We would snoop through her room when she wasn’t home, spy on her when she had friends over, call names etc…. Of coarse the behavior went both ways. She would bug us back. Then at the end of the day, I would go home to quiet. Yes, as a child I loved being the only on in my house.

When I tell people that I am an Only Child, I get the comments, “Oh, you must be spoiled rotten”. But to be honest, Christmas was it as far as being spoiled went. Maybe if we were rich, I would have had the pony I always wanted or the doll house I dreamed of, or maybe even that trip to Disney Land that still hasn’t happened. My parents both worked hard to keep a roof over my head, and food on our plates. They did the best they could for what we had. Now, we weren’t poor, but money did get tight sometimes.

Thinking back, my biggest childhood memory is going to the coffee shop with my parents. I spent a lot of time around adults. As most only children do. I was always a little bit more mature than my fellow class mates and playmates. I was always aware of the rules, and always aware of the danger in every activity. Most of the time I was whinny, and stayed on the safe side of life. When me and my Cousins got together, I was always the one to stand aside, while I watched my Cousins slide off a garage roof into a big pile of snow, or swing on a barn rope onto a pile of Creight’s. Or even poke the dead cat we once found in a barn. I didn’t and still don’t know how to play fight. Now, as Mom of Three beautiful Girls (Two of which are living) I find I have little patience for screaming, yelling, and bugging. I prefer the quiet. No correction, I love the quiet. I do wonder all the time, if I would be more tolerant of Two noisy kids running around, if I had siblings growing up?

The Cousin I was close to, used to tease me, and say I wasn’t an Only Child, I was a Lonely Child. I never understood what she meant. Now as an adult I get it, and she couldn’t be more right. I have learned that as children all siblings fight. Sometimes they even seem to hate each other. But as time went on, and they grow up, a bond seems to form. There seems to be an understanding between the two of them. That no matter what, no matter how different they are, they have each others back. It to me, seems like an unbreakable bond. As a 31 year-old only child, I envy that bond. I wish with all my heart that I had that with someone. As life throws challenges my way, I wish I had a partner in crime, someone who understood my parents the way I do, someone who had my back, no matter what. I do have a Cousin who I am close with. And it seems, no matter what happens, and no matter how different we are, we are always there for each other. I sometimes wonder if we were Sister in a past life.But in this life, at the end of the day, we are not Sisters. I am, will will always be…..just the Cousin.

Growing up without siblings, I had to learn to be tough.  I had to learn to watch my own back on the playground. I had to learn to be independent at a young age. Most importantly, I had to learn to entertain myself all of the time. As a teen I was home alone a lot. I learned to appreciate the quiet at a young age. I was and still is more imaginative than most. And when I broke something in the house, there was no one to pin it on.  As a teenager, I wished I had a sibling, just so I would have a little less attention from my parents. They always knew what I was doing. I though if I had a younger sibling, I would get away with more. I guess you could say I wanted a sibling as a distraction for my parents.

Since I didn’t have siblings at home, I have always tried to seek those kind of bonds with friends. My friends were always so important to me. I have learned now that, was an impossible task. That bond can not be created out of thin air. The day I married my Husband, I was happy have a Sister and Brother-in- law. I was excited to be getting a Sister, even if it was through marriage. I tried to get to know her and build a friendship, but like all the others, it just didn’t work. I can honestly say that it broke my heart a little. I will never have that true bond with another person.

At this point in life, my Cousin who is like a Sister, and my Husband are my rocks. They both have stood strong beside me no matter what. They are not my siblings, but they as close to that bond I will get. When I get lonely, and start wishing I has siblings, I think about how lucky I am to have a Cousin, and a Husband like them. I guess there are siblings out there who don’t talk and don’t get a long. Maybe I am truly lucky to have these two in my life. Even if we don’t share the same parents. Sometimes that unbreakable bond can come from other people in your life.

Merry Christmas…..Or Whatever It Is That You Say

Today is Christmas Eve. And while I was out today I have been hearing a lot of Merry Christmas’s being past around, and I say it back proudly. I am surprised at how many still say that. We’ve have all seen posts going around Facebook, telling people to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays. Or those people who post to social media groups saying that Christmas is being taken away from us. Well….I call Bullshit on that theory.

Canada is multicultural, especially here in Ontario. We have all sorts of religions here, and I can honestly say that never, have I had someone get angry or upset with me for saying Merry Christmas. To those who get upset and blame immigrants for trying to steal Christmas, let me point out some logic here for you.

No one has the right to stop you from celebrating Christmas. What you celebrate in your home is your business. I do say Merry Christmas to people, and in return I welcome them to say Happy whatever it is they celebrate back to me, and I don’t get offended. NO ONE is trying to stop Christmas. It’s all in your head. Along with all your hate. Maybe more Christians should embrace other cultures, while embracing their own.

I for one am tired of seeing and hearing people complain about how we are losing the right to celebrate Christmas. I think with all the hate going around, we are losing sight of what the Holidays really mean. The true meaning of Christmas. Love, Family, Friends, Giving, and of coarse Food 😉

Maybe you should take a minute and look around. Look at what you have, and how lucky you are that you have it. Some out there have nothing. Some are sleeping on the street tonight, with no family, and no turkey supper. Some families can’t afford gifts for their children. My kids are ecstatic about Santas arrival and presents tomorrow morning. My heart breaks for those children who will have an bare tree Christmas morning, or no tree at all. So instead of all complaining, how about you get off your ass and give to the less fortunate?

Merry Christmas….. or Happy whatever you celebrate!

 

 

 

To an Old Friend

Dear Old Friend who’s name starts with N.

In High School we met. You were the new Girl and everyone wanted to get to know you. You started dating a Guy from our school, and right away you fit in with the crowd. I met you through my Cousin, who funny enough, didn’t even go to our school. But you two worked together and through her we found a friendship. A few years later you got pregnant. And even though most didn’t bother, I took the time to come up to see you. Our friendship grew stronger and we became quite close. And  a couple of year later, I got pregnant with my first.

I moved to your town and went through a very bad break up. I spent a lot of time at your place (maybe even to much time). But I was lonely and you made me feel better. As time went on, our kids grew up together and we partied a lot. We had some good time you and I. And I am proud of that.

One day I met a new guy and I fell head over heals. I told you he was the one, and from that moment on you changed. I had finally found true love and was happy as can be. Everyone around would tell me how happy I was, but you told me I was mean.

A little more than a year passed by and I told you we had bought a house. I was so happy I thought I could bust. You got mad with me and said some mean things. I said mean things back and with that our friendship was done.

Three years later we found each other again. I was so happy I cried when I saw you again and missed you so much. Things were good for a while and I told you I was pregnant.I was happy and nervous, because of losing a baby before. I told you all my fears and worries. The day finally came and my little Girl was here. Everything was ok and there was no need to fear.

Again with my happiness, things started to change. You got mean again. But this time you just started to ignore me. I got mad and told you it was done. You said you didn’t want to end things badly and I agreed. We wished each other the best and with that, it was done………………..Now a few weeks later I sit and I think, about all the horrible things you have said and done. Over the years I was such a good friend and all you did was lie and cheat and treat me like crap.

I kept all your secrets, never told a soul. And as I sit here an think I get filled with anger. Lets go over some things please, so I can feel better. I think this should be done, because I need to get it out.

Many, many times you cheated on your Husband. And I said nothing.

At parties you would put me down, to make yourself  look cooler if we were with a crowd. I said nothing.

Our friendship seemed fine as long as I was down in the dumps. When I seemed to find happiness you turned mean. I said nothing.

I would text or message you on Facebook and I would never hear back. I said nothing.

I would catch you in lies all the time. And I said nothing.

You told me your Husband was growing pot and I told you it was wrong. I looking out for my children, who used to play at your house. And you call me a “goodie goodie” and that it was people like me, that was what’s wrong with the world. And I said nothing.

Well, now I am tired of saying nothing. You hurt my feelings, my old friend who’s name starts with N. I don’t want an apology and I don’t want a sorry. What I want is for you to see. To see how you hurt me. How you made me feel. I was a good friend to you, the best you had and you threw me away.

I will have you know that  I am fine. The best actually.

We had some good time you and I , but now it’s all done. Time to grow up and put my kids first. But no matter how much fun we had, I will teach my Girls to stay far away from friends like you. I will tell them to find friends who are better than you.

So here today I say good-bye to an old friend who’s name starts with N.

 

Through the Storm

 

Having trouble putting sentences together sometimes. Mind feels like one big blur. Anything that involves  thinking, like planning a party or trying to get my little business going is difficult. Stress?? Forget about it. I can’t handle it.

This is just a sample of what my head has been like for the past 11 1/2 Months, since our third baby Girl was born. I have been told that mourning the loss of our second baby, HUGE family drama, and some other stuff has made me get to a point were I just can’t deal. I have trouble coping. I can say I now know what rock bottom is.

My Husband is absolutely wonderful, he has stood by my side every second. When most Men would have walked away. I have thrown things, broken things, put hole in walls and at time have even hurt myself.

Crazy. She is crazy. What kind of messed up person is she? That is what some of you may be thinking. I will tell you that I am not crazy and a lot of people out there at one time or another have trouble dealing with reality. Life sucks sometimes. Life can be amazingly good most of the time, but at other times it can feel like you are living in Hell.

I have always been a fighter, a go getter. If there was a problem I would think “Lets do this”. I would face it head on and take any punches that life threw at me. I had a big fire that burned inside of me and I was ready for anything, any challenge.

Losing Paige drained me. When she died a huge part of my ‘fight’ went with her. Put a whole lot of other life changing problems on top of that and you get a mental break down. I am a little ashamed to admit this, and most of you will think I am mad for sharing this. But I feel like I need to get it out. This is what my blog is all about after all. My place for me to be blunt and vent.

I have gotten help and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see clearer, but some days all I see is grey clouds. My storm has been raging for a while, but finally I am starting to see clear sky in the horizon. It has taken a lot of work on my part to get to this point of healing. I have had to learn to forgive, trust and change   how I talk to myself. Inner dialog is a huge when it comes to mental health. One          thought can change you, and your life.

Everyday gets better and I am thankful for those in my life that still stand by me. There are few, but I feel so much gratitude towards those people. I thank you for not walking away from me. You know who you are. There have been some walk away from me for good.

I have been able to forgive my Dad, because I understand a little more of what he was thinking or feeling at certain moments. I know what loneliness feels like even though you have people around you who love and support you. I know what self hatred feels like. I know what it feels like to not be able to handle the smallest task. I know what it feels like to think that maybe your kids and spouse would be better off without you. These are not the thoughts of a crazy person. These are the thoughts of a person who has been taken through the biggest shit ringer life can throw at some one.

I write this blog to open up and try to get some of you to understand a little more. I would like to ask those who judge me or people like me to try and forgive, love and stand by me and these people. There could be a day in your future that some life changing, horrible event will occur, and you may think these exact thoughts.

These are not the thoughts of a crazy person, they are the thoughts of some one who has suffered.

30 and having a quarter life crisis???

I turned 30 December 4, 2013. Usually when a Birthday comes and goes I don’t feel any different. Turning 30 however, has my mind spinning and I feel like I need to live, because who knows when my time maybe up.

I became a Mom at the age of 21, and only now, for the first time do I feel like an adult. Everything is different. The way I look at the world. My opinion on just about everything. I feel wiser, stronger and more comfortable with who I am. I know what I want from life. I know what I expect from others, and who I want to associate with. I know what I want from life, and I feel like I see the big picture and know what is truly important. I care a lot less about what other people think. I guess you could say, I’m stuck in my ways.

“They are stuck in their ways”…… That was something I would her my parents say about seniors. Now I realize that, that saying can apply to 30 year-olds as well.

I find myself being more concerned about my health. I have been doing good with loosing weight I have gained over the years, with having baby’s and mourning the loss of our second baby Girl. I feel so motivated. In fact I don’t recall ever being this motivated in my life. For the first time I feel free, and I want to live and really enjoy life, the way I want to enjoy it.

I want to rid my life of all people who just cause me heart ache and bring me down. I know who I am and I love me. I want to tell the world “This is who I am, if you don’t like it than fuck off”………Yeah, I know that sounds a little harsh, but can I say, I can be a rash person. I’m blunt. I am learning with age, that there is a time and a place, but I am who I am. I will always be an outspoken person. I have passion, drive. What’s wrong with that?

I recently had an argument with a Cousin. We grew up together and are like Sisters. But life has taken us on different paths, experiences etc… we are completely different. Like night and day.She is a city slicker and I am a country Girl. I called her a snob. After a few days I contacted her to apologize for overreacting to what was going on. She than told me ” I am still hurt by what you said.” and “You are an opinionated person, and I accept that”. I understand what she was saying, but I was also a little confused. Are we not all opinionated? We all have opinions. I mean if you say that you are not opinionated, than you must not have much going on upstairs. I just can not figure out why some people have to continue to point out that I am opinionated. What I ment by calling her a snob is certain things she does is snobby. As more of a country person, I do things and act differently than a city person. Example……On our yearly Girls night we went to the movies after a dinner at a local restauant I guess halfway through the movie, I guess she got board, cause she took out her cell phone and was sitting there playing on her phone in the theatre. I glanced at her, shocked that she would do that. I did not say anything to her, because I didn’t want to start anything (see, I can keep my mouth shut sometimes). That is what I ment when I said snob. Having lack or no consideration of others who paid to see the movie and might actually be enjoying it. I love my Cousin to death, but give me a break. I am not aloud to think that was a snobby thing to do. Am I not?

Any who…..back to turning 30.

Lately I have also been feeling like I don’t relate to a lot of people. Most people. I have always been an outsider, but I feel more like I don’t fit in. And I’m ok with that. I find I get a long better with my Mom-in-law and my Aunt, people their age. Is that because everything I have been through has pushed me forward mentally? I am 30, but sometimes the way I look at things I feel 50.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all

My Uncle passed away earlier this week, and all the thoughts and wonders about death pass through my mind. I am pretty good with handling death (God knows I have seen a lot of it in my life).  I feel so much for my Cousins, but most of all I feel for my Aunt….

As most of you already know, my Husband and I lost a baby just about 2 years ago. She passed away just after birth and I though it was going to destroy me. Here I am almost 2 years later and I survived it. When I got the news of my Uncle, I was taken by surprise. Right away I felt so incrdibaly sad for my Aunt and my Cousins. I am an old fashion romantic. I believe in soul mates, and in true love. There may be more than one person for everyone out there, but I believe that it is rare to find a mate who completely gets you (all of you) and accepts and loves you anyway. I have found my soul mate, my Husband. I didn’t know my Uncle very well, and I of corse did not know my Aunt and Uncle in thier relationship. But I always got that feeling that they were in love. Real love, not that we pretend to be in love just to look good to other people or our children. I believe that they were best friends, soul mates. Seeing my Aunt find her soul mate and then lose him, makes me scared. I have been scared thnking, about losing my soul mate one day.

I know what it feels like to be lonely (that’s another blog for another time). Finding my Husband had shined a light on my life and I feel greatful and lucky to have someone to face the world with. If I were to lose him….I don’t know if I could handle that.

I wish I could take my Aunts pain away from her. I cry for her. I want to help her and make her happy, but I don’t know how. I wish I could bring my Uncle back for her, but I can’t. They say it is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all. Right now a part of me questions that. Is it better to have loved and lose that person? Or would we all be better off if we just never found that person? The romantic in me refuses to believe that we would be better off without that person. I believe that our lives are better, we are a better person, because of that love. My mind is a little more at ease knowing that my Aunt was lucky enough to find that love, to have lived that love, and to have shared two beautiful children with “her person”. I am lucky enough to have that as well. Maybe this world would be a better place if we could all experience that kind of love and when they pass, cry for them, but know you have their heart and they have yours. Because love like that, true love, never dies.

Real life or is it just high school all over again?

I will turn 30 in a little over one Month. I can say that I have learned a lot about life and I am still learning. Life is a learn as you go thing. Most think that by 30 you should have everything figured out…..HA! That’s a load of crap! I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I do however, know what I want from life, I know what I believe and I know my morals. I recently had an argument with a friend and she called me a “goodie goodie”….yep, that’s right. I almost fell on the floor laughing with that one. She will probably get pissed because I mentioned this in my blog. But I do have a reason for brining it up.

As I look around me, I see some of the people I grew up with (in school) and I notice that they are all basically the same. They are all getting married and having kids, but they still live to party and ones that I have talked to in person, seem to be mentally stuck in a “high school” way of thinking.

When we finish high school do we ever really move from it or do we go on to the rest of our lives trying to be someone different?

I used to be what you would call a “pot head” in high school, but I grew out of that a long, long time ago. I have lost friends because I stopped. I made a lot of mistakes. I had an abortion and fought with my parents daily. I thought I was in love, when in reality is was just puppy love. I skipped classes and got drunk many, many times.

I grew up and my past is my past. I can not change it, but I have learned from it. I take pride in who I have become today. I am not perfect, but I try my best to lead a life I can be proud of.

I still haven’t figured people out though…..maybe in another 30 years I will know and understand why people do what they do. Maybe not. Maybe some of us are destined to be stuck in high school frame of mind forever.

What’s the cost for being lazy?

Since having baby number three, I have been on the quest of getting my health back. I have found it harder and harder to get into “before baby” shape with every baby. For me, my motivation comes and goes. My weight has gone up and down, and I am someone who has to work hard at it. I feel I am finally at in a good place and I am finding it easier to stay motivated.  I do feel sometimes that I am surrounded by lazy people. People who will find any excuse they can find, not to exercise. They say “Well, I don’t have time”. I say make the time.

Society is getting bigger and I am hearing a lot of people thinking that it ok to be big. Some women are saying ” I love myself”. Well, you can go to far with being to big and being to small. Just because someone is thin, does not mean that they are healthy. Ever hear of something called skinny fat? So don’t think I am being one-sided here.

To me, loving yourself means taking care of your body as well as loving who you are. I agree that women should have curves, but at what are the consequences to no exercise?

I had high blood pressure and gestational diabetes, with my last two pregnancies. I am currently on high blood pressure medication and have been told that I am pre-diabeteic. My goal is to lower my blood pressure and to be taken off medication, and prolong getting diabetes for as long as I can. And with my efforts to improve the health of my insides, I will lose weight.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that you should love yourself, but sitting on your ass and doing nothing is not loving yourself. Because when you love yourself, you take care of your health. Thin or fat we all need to be getting out there and be more active. I choose to exercise, and I do love myself. My goal is to improve my health, because that is what it comes down to. I love my curves and want to keep them. The number on the scale does not matter to me, it’s how I feel on the inside. I dare all of you to make a 100% effort into working out for one week. I bet you will feel awesome.

I don’t know about you, but I want to live for many, many more years!

Scarlett O’hara in 2013 ?

I watched Gone with the Wind a few years ago. It was the first and only time I have seen it. I was shocked of the behavior of the main character Scarlett O’Hara. She would bat her eyelashes and whine and act like a damsel in distress and get whatever she wanted from men. Most women today would be appalled by that kind of behavior. I know I am nothing like that. I am independent (to a point, as everyone needs help some times) and will try to get things done myself. I will ask for help, but will usually try it myself first. With the exception of being very pregnant. That is a time that I need more help to get certain things done.

Women have come a long way (or so we think). We have fought for our rights to be doctors, politicians and something other than baby makers. There was a time that men liked their women to be submissive, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. Today most women are strong and are looked upon as equal to men. But is it right to say that things have changed? Are we really equal to men? There are women out there who still play the role of Scarlett O’Hara, and play desperate and needy, and they get what they want. What is with that? I will not mention any names, but I know someone like that. It baffles me how she treats people with no respect and the minute she needs something, she just bats her eyes and gets whatever she wants. Frankly it disgusts me. This person is an adult and has no life skills whatsoever. This person is family so I must put up with it, but now it’s affecting my marriage. Where do you draw the line?

If you are a strong women, no one will help you and you are looked at as a bitch. But if you are one of those Scarlett O’Hara women, people seem to fall at your feet, will go the extra mile to do your bidding. Why is that?

My question is……is a Scarlett O’Hara type of woman a man really wants?? Are women like me to much for most men? Are we supposed to be needy and submissive?

I say 2013 is no place for Scarlett O’Hara. Women have fought for the rights we have today. These women bring us back generations. I am a housewife, I stay at home to raise our children. But I can tell you right now, if push came to shove, I know it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and if I had to I can survive on my own. Those other women, they will drag you down…….

 

It takes two to tango

Why would a person feel the need to contact another person two days after an argument, and try to keep it going??

My opinion, that person either has some major issues or has a lot of free time on their hands.

Anyway. I find it very surprising that people still get surprised at my bluntness. Everyone who knows me knows that I will give you the truth. I don’t just out of the blue go off and lay it all out there for you, but I will if provoked. Yes, this may be a bad quality, but sometimes you need to put your foot down. As I have mentioned before, in my last pregnancy I had pre-eclampsia. This is a very serious condition. The gestational hyper tension I had is one of the symptoms. Pre-eclampsia heightens your risk for a uterine abruption. Well, a uterine abruption is how we lost our last baby. It is well-known that with this current pregnancy I am again dealing with high blood pressure and have been advised by the doctor to try to keep it down. So, than why can’t people respect that??? Why do people seem to not care about my health and the safety of my baby??? Why do some insist on getting me worked up???

I am at a point now, where if you cause my blood pressure to rise than, I will avoid you until sometime after the baby is born. I chose to do this for the health and safety of my baby.

I am tired of our society. I asked my Husband last night, what do you do if you hate the world you live in, but you want to live? His response was to start fresh. I love that idea. So we had a little joke about moving to the middle of nowhere, get away from it all.

I read a blog the other day about lying. The blog talked about how everyone lies. You have people who lie about mostly everything, people who lie to make you feel better and people who lie to themselves. There are also people who lie for their own advantage. I feel that I run into a lot of liars. Do some people get so worked up over the truth because they are lying to themselves?? I sometimes feel like my honesty is not wanted in a world of liars. Am I a breed of people all on my own?? Am I still the only honest person out there??

I know with myself I respect a person more when they are completely honest with me. And I mean honest about themselves, not just pointing out my flaws. I find that I get a lot of fingers pointed at me saying ‘oh, you did it, it’s your fault, it’s all you’. Why am I the only one with things that they need to change?? I know my flaws. After going through some major life changing events you are forced to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you truly are. I accept who I am. I like who I am. I love myself. How many out there can say that you have fully look at who you are, were honest about it and can walk away saying that you like yourself?? Tough question.

I have mentioned before briefly in a blog, that I have a friend who I have known since high school. A few years ago we got into a fight, big time. It was pretty bad. We both said some pretty nasty things, you know how it usually goes. We didn’t talk for just about three years. About 8 or 9 months ago we reconnected and are friends again. But here is the thing. When we reconnected there was no finger-pointing and blaming. We both acknowledged or parts in the fight. We both acknowledged that it was not one-sided. No fight or argument is ever one-sided. Everyone plays their part. When it comes down to it, it does not matter who started it. What matters is the part you played. I have had an argument recently, where it was between me and one person, and then a third-party decided to get involved and point their finger at me. What the hell is that all about?? I didn’t ask you to join the argument, you took the initiative to do it all by yourself.

I am no innocent, I will be the first to admit that. But like I said before I know who I am, I know my flaws and I don’t need the finger being pointed at me, telling me what I need to change about myself. I am content and happy in my little world and I have fought hard to get that way. All I ask is please leave the drama at the door.

So, while you go through your daily lives remember that, if there is an argument,  it is not one-sided and you do not have to get involved.