In 2010, Three Months after Ashley and I moved into our house together, and our engagement; my Dad tried to commit suicide.
I was devastated. In the past he had threatened to kill himself, but as far as I know, he never tried. This time was different. This time he had tried. I went through a roller-coaster of emotions. I was mostly angry though. How dare he leave me. How dare he hurt my Mom like that. I thought he was selfish, to want to leave my Mom and me. I was angry. Angry that I could no longer feel happiness about my engagement. Cause Dad had taken that away.
When a relative tries to kill themselves; you go through so many feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I could only imagine, what it must be like for family members of people who succeed at suicide. My heart goes out to those people.
For years I struggled with what he did. I tried so many times to forgive him. But I couldn’t get passed it. I felt betrayed. I know that sounds very selfish of me. But that is one thing you go through. You try to understand why someone would want to take their own life. You try to understand why someone would want to leave their family; to hurt their family like that. So..Two years later, when we lost Paige, I was an even bigger mess.
As I mentioned before; about 3 Months after Paige passed away, I found a job to keep my mind off of things. I mean, I was supposed to be home taking care of a baby, and now there was no baby to take care of. I needed to keep my mind busy. When the job didn’t work out, I found myself at home again. I was still on the mission of filling a void that couldn’t be filled. I would think of little projects, like painting the house, to keep my mind busy. Eventually I ran out of things to do. I wanted a baby so bad. That urge to take care of Paige was so strong. I needed a baby. We got pregnant with Zoey, 9 Months after losing Paige.
During my mourning of Paige, I felt a lot of anger inside. I didn’t realize at the time though, just how much that anger was growing. I was taking it out on everyone. I even stopped talking to my parents. Of coarse I thought I was justified in my reasoning for taking them out of my life. Little did I know, that not having my parents in my life was fueling the anger. I needed them, and couldn’t see clearly enough to realize that. I hurt so much, that I actually felt like I had a ball of anger inside me. I could feel it in my gut. I wanted desperately to get it out. I wanted to feel like me again. I wanted to find that happiness, that I once had.
After Zoey was born I was happy to see her healthy, and alive. But during my hospital stay, the baby blues hit hard. And it didn’t go away. 5 Months after Zoey was born, I started cutting myself. I hated myself. I started fights with anyone who would get in my path. I thought I was a burden on my family, and most of all I felt alone. The loneliness was so strong.
I cry as I write this. To take myself back to what I was feeling, is hard. I wouldn’t wish those feelings upon my worst enemy. Loneliness is a bitch. It is the worst feeling anyone could experience.
I burnt a lot of bridges over 2 1/2 years. After some therapy, and self awareness, I have turned things around. I feel like myself. And for anyone who has ever suffered from mental illness, you can understand, just how amazing it feels, to go through a dark storm, and come out the other side, feeling like yourself again.
After coming out of the storm, I understood my Dad. I understood thoughts he had over the years. And I was finally able to forgive him.
To Be Continued…..
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