This Year Marks A Decade Of My Life, I Will Never Forget. Chapter Eight

In 2010, Three Months after Ashley and I moved into our house together, and our engagement; my Dad tried to commit suicide.

I was devastated. In the past he had threatened to kill himself, but as far as I know, he never tried. This time was different. This time he had tried. I went through a roller-coaster of emotions. I was mostly angry though. How dare he leave me. How dare he hurt my Mom like that. I thought he was selfish, to want to leave my Mom and me. I was angry. Angry that I could no longer feel happiness about my engagement. Cause Dad had taken that away.

When a relative tries to kill themselves; you go through so many feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I could only imagine, what it must be like for family members of people who succeed at suicide. My heart goes out to those people.

For years I struggled with what he did. I tried so many times to forgive him. But I couldn’t get passed it. I felt betrayed. I know that sounds very selfish of me. But that is one thing you go through. You try to understand why someone would want to take their own life. You try to understand why someone would want to leave their family; to hurt their family like that. So..Two years later, when we lost Paige, I was an even bigger mess.

As I mentioned before; about 3 Months after Paige passed away, I found a job to keep my mind off of things. I mean, I was supposed to be home taking care of a baby, and now there was no baby to take care of. I needed to keep my mind busy. When the job didn’t work out, I found myself at home again. I was still on the mission of filling a void that couldn’t be filled. I would think of little projects, like painting the house, to keep my mind busy. Eventually I ran out of things to do. I wanted a baby so bad. That urge to take care of Paige was so strong. I needed a baby. We got pregnant with Zoey, 9 Months after losing Paige.

During my mourning of Paige, I felt a lot of anger inside. I didn’t realize at the time though, just how much that anger was growing. I was taking it out on everyone. I even stopped talking to my parents. Of coarse I thought I was justified in my reasoning for taking them out of my life. Little did I know, that not having my parents in my life was fueling the anger. I needed them, and couldn’t see clearly enough to realize that. I hurt so much, that I actually felt like I had a ball of anger inside me. I could feel it in my gut. I wanted desperately to get it out. I wanted to feel like me again. I wanted to find that happiness, that I once had.

After Zoey was born I was happy to see her healthy, and alive. But during my hospital stay, the baby blues hit hard. And it didn’t go away. 5 Months after Zoey was born, I started cutting myself. I hated myself. I started fights with anyone who would get in my path. I thought I was a burden on my family, and most of all I felt alone. The loneliness was so strong.

I cry as I write this. To take myself back to what I was feeling, is hard. I wouldn’t wish those feelings upon my worst enemy. Loneliness is a bitch. It is the worst feeling anyone could experience.

I burnt a lot of bridges over 2 1/2 years. After some therapy, and self awareness, I have turned things around. I feel like myself. And for anyone who has ever suffered from mental illness, you can understand, just how amazing it feels, to go through a dark storm, and come out the other side, feeling like yourself again.

After coming out of the storm, I understood my Dad. I understood thoughts he had over the years. And I was finally able to forgive him.

To Be Continued…..

Religion and Spirituality Part 2

We’ve all seen those movies about possession. Heads turning 360 degrees, talking in tongues, coarse language……you get the point. Then there are the movies like Constantine, What Dreams May Come etc…. These movies play on the need we all have to face evil on the big screen. Looking into the darkness of Hell and evil is a curiosity most of us have. Whether you believe in GOD or not, we all seem to be fascinated about the whole Good vs. Evil concept.

Those movies are just pure entertainment. There have been a select few who have pushed the boundaries for me, and that do freak me out a little. I have said before that I don’t believe in that stuff, but there is a part of me that is afraid of it. Is that a fear of what if? Or, is it that my soul knows the truth? There are people who won’t even watch those movies. I can understand why. That curiosity is there, but sometimes it can be to much to handle. Maybe some people believe to much.

Like in the movies, is there really a battle between good and evil going on? Do we happen to be hanging out in the middle of a spiritual war? Living our lives everyday, not knowing what exactly is happening around us?  Maybe, I’ve just seen to many movies.

I have met some who attend church regularly and, I swear there is something evil about them. As I wrote that sentence I remembered that old saying ‘Beware of a wolf in sheep’s clothing’. These people attend church. They pray, and act like one of us, but on the inside they are corrupt, they are evil. I ended the last blog asking, what if you join a church, and get a creepy feeling about the minister or priest. Do you turn your back on the church? Well, I think, Yes. Just because you turn you back on the church, does not mean you turn your back on GOD. Evil comes in all shapes, forms and sizes. It is your instinct that guides you, and tells you if a person your know is trying to manipulate you. You just have to listen. It won’t play out the way it does in the movie. There won’t be a big angel or a GOD that looks like Morgan Freeman (movie reference), to guide you on your journey, to making the right choice. It all comes down to you, and faith. My advice to you, would be to trust your gut, and beware of that wolf in sheep’s clothing.

What about Atheists? Where exactly do they stand? Are they at more risk for evil manipulators? With Christmas just around the corner, are they hippocrates for celebrating if they don’t believe?

The other side to Grieving

We have all heard of the 7 steps of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression and Acceptance. We all go through these steps after the loss of a loved one, but what about the other side of it. Yes, I experienced all of the 7 steps to grieving, but I also experienced other feelings that completely surprised me. The 7 steps to grieving are the same for any loss. The loss of a relationship/Marriage, the death of a parent, sibling, Grandparent, friend etc……The other feelings that can come very for each different loss. I can not tell you about the losses listed above, but I can tell you about the loss of a baby.

First off let me say that anger was the biggest one for me. It took a long time for that anger to go away. Envy was another big one. I was envious and angry at other couples having happy, healthy babies. I went through a “Your having a baby? Well good for you” phase. Selfish, I know. I hated seeing happy pregnant women, and women with new born babies. I hated seeing parents taking their babies and kids for granted. All I wanted to do was forget babies existed in the first place. I wanted to live in a world that was Adults with older children. I tried to make myself believe that I was happy living like that. I would get news that some one in the family or a friend was pregnant and my fake “happy” world would dissolve right in front of my face, and the anger and envy would be back.  Don’t get me wrong I was happy for those people, I was just angry that we didn’t get the happy ending we were supposed to get. It’s a why me? thing. Desperation is another. Two months after her death I went back to work and was so freakin motivated. I was going to get into really good shape, I was going to earn lots of money. I was going to succeed like crazy, because I needed to do it for her. I needed to prove to everyone that I was ok. Two weeks into my new job I found out that my boss was pregnant. My reaction was “Are you fucking kidding me?” The one place I can go to get away from the memories of leaving my baby in a cemetery, from all the happy pregnant women and happy healthy babies…….was gone. I had to go there everyday and look at her growing belly. I never told her about what I had just been through. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t have her judge me like every one else. Honestly I wanted to punch her. Just because she was pregnant and happy. Everyday she would talk to me about being pregnant and having pregnancy brain and blah, blah, blah. So….. I purposely started to not give a shit about doing a good job and I desperately needed to get pregnant. I needed to have a baby. Three months later I was fired. I was glad to not have to see her happy ass again. I was also sad for letting my anger and envy get the best of me. My Husband and I talked about having another baby for a month before we started trying. We wanted to decided the reasons to have another one so soon. It came down to the fact that we just wanted a baby. I think we both realized that we were 100% ready to try again, when we went to Paige’s grave. Standing there looking at her grave it just hit me. I was ready to move on. That definitely was an acceptance moment.

Another huge thing is self-esteem. After the loss of a baby you feel like it was your fault, like every one looks at you like there is something wrong with you. I was afraid that I would always be that women who’s baby died. I still have moments where I feel that, but I’m getting better. I realize that there is nothing wrong with me and I am not the first person in the world to loose a baby.

Anger and envy are two reason that I left FB, came back to FB and left FB. I would delete my account because I could’t take seeing any more baby pictures or Mothers bragging about their babies. Then I would think that I was ready and sign up again, only to find out that I wasn’t ready. Finally I know, this time I am ready. I am happy, happy, happy. I love that people are having babies. Going back to my last blog. It really feels like I was winter and now I’m turning into spring.

Going through the whole grieving period I have hurt some people, and for that I am very sorry. I had a dark period in my life and that’s that. It would be great if everyone could understand what I was going through, but I do realize that that is impossible for most.  My anger, envy and desperation are now behind me. I have recently rid my life of all things stressful.  All I can say is that I am sorry to anyone that I hurt, but I am not sorry for my feelings. It was a part of healing and I would not be human if I didn’t experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, envy, desperation and acceptance.